BROKEN

"what doesn't break you only  makes you stronger"

Is that true? I am not so sure.
I always thought that I was a strong person  but as the time passes by I realize that I am not.

I had learned with time that I always tried to help everybody, putting my strong side for them, letting them rely on me and always count that I will be there for them  whenever they need me , but is that the meaning of an strong person? or just being a good friend?

What are the characteristic to qualify a person as strong? Is the willingness to help, the stubbornness to keep going no matter the consequences, the dream chaser, or the person who never lets other people see their weak side and fears.
I think that after 30 years  not even one person knows all of my fears and weak points, and isn't that sad? that you have nobody out there to know the real person I was and I am.
Sometimes I feel like I am acting most of the time, never letting the guard down, never letting people get too close to my heart or too far that I am not able to prevent any damage that  they might cause to my created-perfect world.

Last night I asked a question to my husband and even when I don't think I should describe in details  the conversation(or maybe I am just not too strong to put in writing and really understand the meaning of it all) I realized that unless things turn out exactly as he wants and dreamt; things will not work for us in the long run.
I wish no harm so please believe me when I say " don't marry somebody who gives you an answer as "I will consider it when the times comes" because  either they are so blind that they don't want to see the reality of their life or in their mind they already made the decision that the  thing that you were asking them to consider will never happen and they are actually expecting that you will be the one  changing your mind"

So again last night for the first time in a long time I fell asleep crying, holding to my doll like my life depended on it and wishing that my life was different, not because I don't love my husband, because I do but because LOVE is not everything in a relationship, you need to have share dreams companionship, trust and most of all honesty... honesty in all the decision that will take place in your life together.

"what doesn't break you only  makes you stronger"

Yeah it might make you stronger to keep going on with your everyday life, your job, pay the bills, cook dinner, etc but any and every little cut  that your heart suffers, will be there for ever, you will always have that scarf reminding you of those moments that changed your life and broke your heart.

Said I used to think the past was dead and gone
But I was wrong, so wrong
Whatever makes you blind must make you strong,make you strong
In my time I've melted into many forms
From the day that I was born,I know that there is no place to hide
Stuck between the burning shade and the fading light

Robert Pattinson - I was broken lyrics

WHY?

I don't know exactly how to explain what is going on in my head? I have so many questions that nobody can answer and it is so frustrating...

I am very hard working person, I am not scare to fight for what I want but right now I am just so tired and I wish I could just be one of those lucky bastards that never had to work for anything.

Life was never easy, at least not mine, I had to leave people and things behind in order to search for a better future for me and my parents, leave my dreams of becoming a doctor to go to a different country and work in anything just to make enough money to survive.

Today, almost 9 years after, I am married to a wonderful man, we have a beatiful home and a perfect dog but there is no sun because our sun is impossible to reach.


Today I wish I could ask God all this question that keep dancing in my head, ask him why is he doing this to me? all I ever wanted in my life is to be a mother, I think it is one of the most beatiful miracle in life but for some reason that  only him knows I  can't.

Today  I  think I lost my faith, today I lost hope today my hear finillly broke.


I don't know if there is somebody, anybody  somewhere reading this or not, but if you are and you can give any hope, any advise any opinion I would appreciate it.

 You see I know that I should be talking to my friends, my husband, my parents but I can't ...  I can't talk to them and see their looks of pity and sadness... I can't deal with that pain yet... for the first time ever I am going to be selfish and let myself suffer the pain that is buried deep inside my heart, reaching my sould and killing my heart....

so if you are there .... reading this... thank you...

Sunday August 22 2010

Yeah, here I am, just one more Sunday, just  one more day, that is what I keep repeating to myself. My personal mantra.
"Don't give up, just go through the simple things of everyday activities"
wake up, turn off the alarm, try to move between the strong hands that are holding my waist and the heavy weight of my dog sleeping form on top of my legs.
go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, tied up my hair and then go to the kitchen to start the coffee... YES!!!! that is something that I look forward everyday, the smell of the coffee grains, the aroma all over the house, it is like a drug that I will never be able to stop.
go back to my bedroom and then  as many time before I stop  in front of the bed, I want to enjoy the view.... there laying on the bed is my husband hugging my pillow with a smile on his face, God he is so handsome!.... and right next to him is my best friend in the world, Troy, our dog, sleeping with his belly up in the air... his black coat is such a beautiful contrast to the white sheets.
I love them, they are my heaven and hell all at the same time....
I can't help to wonder when my mind stop enjoying the simple things of everyday and started to wonder for more adventure and wildness.
When was that time of the day where I felt like  walking away from everything and everybody  and never come back...
So now, right here, in front of this bed, the same bed that we happily bought 3 years ago, I find myself making the same questions as every other day 1- either get dress, get my bag and passport and walkingaways or 2- getting dress and going back to kitchen to fix breakfast for us,
deciding between a life that might or not be a happy life or walking to a new world where I will find myself alone but free to do as I feel , only thinking about my pleasure and not somebody else...
and again as any other day I choose to stay ... but why? because this is my happily ever after, no because I would rather hurt myself, forget about all the dreams that I ever had and  making sure  he is happy as he ever wanted to be, thinking about my parents and how much they need me and about my friends and how lonely they will be  without me to share their ups and down....
Sunday August 22 2010 just another day to keep going and going and going.....